Sorry to be so blunt, but whether you are preparing for your son’s or daughter’s senior year in high school or senior year in college, I feel the need to cut through all the noise and the stress you may be feeling right now to share a few words of wisdom.
The wisdom comes from the nearly three decades of talking with and listening to my students. In fact, what follows is a slightly edited version of a parents and families day speech I gave last fall on our campus. I conveniently left out the expletives–even the censored version. I added them back just for fun.
Good morning and welcome. So glad you are part of UCA’s Family Day brunch. I want to first introduce myself. I will do this through a series of labels:
- First, I am a parent of two wonderful kids, one is a college graduate and one is a college senior.
- I am a professor who has taught writing, literature, and what we call student success courses for over 25 years.
- I am an author of textbooks, trade books, and blogs.
- And as an empty nester, I am a part-time adventurer who walked 500 miles this summer across Spain. After the achievement raising two capable kids, I am probably most proud of this achievement.
- I am also a curious researcher. Students in transition fascinate me. I work really hard to learn all I can about them. In fact, I dedicate most of my week to learning about students in transition by reading about it, teaching strategies to students, but most importantly I talk to students about what they are experiencing. I often ask them what they are struggling with and what they are most proud of what they have learned to do. I even have asked them what they wish I would tell their parents and family. Well, here is what they have suggested I share with you today.
Everything they want me to share with you comes down to two statements:
#1 Calm the %*(& down and
#2 Let that $#@! go.
Now, those are their words, not mine. I am keenly aware, as my husband reminded me last night, that no one in the history of the world has ever actually calmed down by being told to calm down. So, I am going to give you a few other words and phrases: relax, take it easy, chill, it’s going to be okay, it will work out, don’t worry. Or just take a deep breath and count to ten.
Why do my students want you to “chill”?
#1 THE CALM %*(& DOWN: We are all just here for the ride
STORY: When I start a semester with new first-year students, I tell them two things about the first five weeks of class: The first two weeks are fun, exciting, and a little overwhelming. You will think you are at camp. By Week 3, and I don’t know why this is, is “Significant Other Break-Up Week” or “SOBU” Week. They often laugh until they indeed break up with or get dumped by their significant other. Weeks 4-5 are “First Failure” week. I tell that them it is very common that first-year students experience a low or failing grade during those weeks. So, it shouldn’t have been a surprise when my daughter, during her first semester, made a D on a paper. Her first. Ever. When I found out, I asked the following questions:
- Do you know what you did to earn a D? When she told me that she followed half the directions, I told her she was lucky that she didn’t get an F. Then I asked,
- Did you meet with the professor to talk through what to do next time?
- Did you go to writing lab to get help?
- Do you know what grades you need to make the rest of the semester to improve your overall grade?
I didn’t get upset—and neither did she, which worried me a bit—and I focused on the self-awareness and the understanding that she knew she could improve by asking “Do you know what you did to earn a D?” and “Do you know what you can do better next time?”
Why do my students say their parents need to “chill”? Here are some reasons that they wanted me to convey to you:
- “They are doing fine.” Really. My student Emma told me to tell you to “trust us when we say we have it under control.”
- They are proud of many things, rightfully so. I have asked my students this week “What are you most proud of?” They are proud of their ability to organize their lives. Some are proud of getting up on time and going to class. Others are proud that they can “do college.”
- They have a healthy view of setbacks and failure. They have stumbled. But they are not devastated. They know they can come back from a set back.
- They know how to assess their situations with the questions “What happened?” “Why?” and “What can I do differently?”
#2 LET THAT $#@! GO Letting go allows for other things to grow
It’s hard, I know. There were so many times it would have just been easier if I had changed my kids’ sheets, cleaned their rooms, and written their thank you notes, but they would not have learned how to do any of that on their own, nor had the pride of a task accomplished. I did draw the line at fourth grade math and science fair projects.
What do we need to let go of?
STORY: A former student of mine came by to see me last week. She had struggled her first semester at the university with academic and health issues. When she was in my class last fall, she wanted to be a veterinarian. When I asked her why, she said because she loves animals and, she added, her mother had also wanted to become one, but wasn’t able. She wanted to make herself and her mother proud by earning a degree in biology so she could apply to vet school, which had also been her mother’s unrealized dream. The student seemed genuinely interested in this career and was very bright, but struggled in her science classes. As a student success professor, I knew that if she wanted to improve her grades and get better at science, she could, so I never suggested that she give that up, but I was curious as to whether this was her dream job or her mother’s.
The last I heard from her was at the end of the semester when she told me she was taking a break from college and needed to work on her health. I didn’t know how she was doing until she reached out this past week to meet with me to update me on her life. The moment she walked in the door last Thursday, she looked like a different person! I asked her what had changed and she started with, “Well, I changed my major. I realized that I didn’t want to go to veterinary school because it was not really something I wanted to do for myself.”
She has found a pathway that has electrified her imagination and intellect. She has claimed the life that she wants to live—and her mother, she reports, is very supportive of her in this choice.
As parents, we all have a dream of what we want for our kids. But sometimes, we need to let go of the life that we have dreamed for them so they can dream themselves.
We also need to let go of the idea that a good life is linear and predictable. What I mean by that is that to live a good, successful life, we need to let go of the idea that the best life follows a specific pattern and it doesn’t waver.
My husband often tells our kids to “Live an interesting life. Live a life that will allow you to tell a good story.” And if you have spent 50 years living a pretty pedestrian life of going to work, raising kids, and sitting on the sidelines or in the audience while your kids practice and perform, then find a way to add some adventure to it.
A good friend of mine sent me a ceramic dish with the words “Live a good story” to remind me that life should be about creating a good story. And good stories have failures, setbacks, low points or they would not be interesting. No one wants to hear about how Michael Jordan did everything perfectly. They want to hear about how he got cut from his high school basketball team and how that affected him.
STORY: I was hiking recently with a childhood friend of mine—we both have kids about the same age. When I asked her what she hoped for her kids, she said without hesitation, “I want them to be happy.” I thought a moment, and I said, “Yeah, that is not my hope. I mean, being happy is a little overrated and kind of hard to sustain. I think my hope is that they know how solve problems. I want them to approach life in a way that allows them to get through low times and to make changes along the way.”
I turned over this conversation in my mind days after I had it. Do I really not want my kids to be happy? I decided that while happiness is temporary, fleeting, and not always fulfilling, I guess I do want them to feel satisfied, empowered, and content by knowing that they have what it takes to weather life’s storms.
Let go of trying to fix everything for them; trust that they can solve their own problems. This is what my students wanted me to share with you.
And I would add that as a educator who is trying to help students earn a college degree, we need more problem-solvers in the world. We need people who have the ability to stay calm in a crisis, assemble a team to get to the root of the problem, and find a solution that has the maximum benefit for others. If they are happy in that process, then great.
#3 BE A &*%$ GOOD MODEL
Any time I lecture to my classes, I give them what I call “bonus material”—information that is extra, but I think will be helpful. I share this quote not because it seems like the right thing to do, but because it is something that has rattled in my head lately:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
This quote is used so often that it seems meaningless—nice, but not very inspiring. But I want you to focus on one word: Be. Don’t just wish it to be true or tell others to do it, but Be. Be the person that you want your kid to emulate.
I cannot expect my own kids to learn to cope with difficult times if I cannot. I cannot expect my own kids to have appropriate boundaries if I cannot let go when I should. I cannot expect my kids to live interesting lives and do cool things, work hard, take risks, try something new, overcome challenges, do something that makes them uncomfortable if I do not. Be the change that you want to see in your kids. They want that from us as much as we want them to succeed. And Be curious. Your student wants that more than anything—don’t “tell,” just be. Don’t tell them what to do, be curious about what they are doing:
What do you like about what you are studying? Why?
What new skills are you learning?
What has surprised you the most about college?
What are you most proud of?
I have said this over the past several years that my students are some of the most
- thoughtful,
- kind,
- appreciative,
- open-minded
- caring
students who want to make a difference or a positive impact on the world that I have ever worked with. That is because you, parents, have done the hard work of raising them well. Now, you can relax and be assured that they “got this.” They are going to be okay. And if they run into trouble, they will know how to get through it.
