There is a meme that gets passed around about this time of year. It is a photo of a 3- or 4-year-old dragging a suitcase behind him as he walks down a hallway. The text usually says something about how we have this image in our head when we drop our 18- or 19-year-olds off at college. It gets me. Every time.
And it is true. It is hard to shake the cherubic face of a much-younger kid from my mind when I am talking to our now (heavily bearded, which I still can’t get used to) 20-year-old or when I am discussing the pros and cons of buying a house with my 23-year-old (Wait! That girl who used to wear her underwear on her head and sing songs is getting a mortgage?).
For many of my parent-friends, this is the time that they are both sad that a stage of their lives is ending and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for their kid–and themselves. While it can be really upsetting to those who don’t want things to change or fear the unknown, it is also a very necessary step that will lead, I swear, to even more excitement and connection down the road.
So, if you are reading this now after dropping your first or even your last kid at college or you are about to do so in the next week or two, here is some advice to get you through this time.
- Focus on the positives. Change has its negatives, and we can certainly address them with our kids, but a focus on the positive benefits, experiences, and outcomes (“Whoo-hoo! You get to study your favorite subject!) can keep their eyes on what is possible and possibly good about going to college.
- Don’t text or call every day. I may get some flack on this, but work toward less communication so your kid can connect with others. If you want to have some regular communication, decide on a day or time once a week for a lengthy chat.
- Remind them to reach out for help when needed. Being “on your own” doesn’t mean being completely independent as if you are on a Naked and Afraid episode having to forage for edible tree bark while chiggers infest your nether regions. Adults ask for help when they need it, and they depend on others regularly to get things done. I don’t cut my own hair or change my own oil for a reason! Better yet, remind them of the resources and services on their campuses that can help them with health, financial, emotional, and academic issues.
- Expect the unexpected. Your kid who has always been independent, may feel a twinge of homesickness or your attached-at-the-hip kid may suddenly spread her wings far and wide and not talk to you for weeks. As long as it is in the realm of normal, don’t read too much into it.
- Model what healthy transition looks like. Our kids get cues about how to handle life’s ups and downs from how we react to change. If you have a hard time with this new phase in your life (and theirs), they may feel guilty they are not having the same reaction or they are getting the message that transition should be stressful and difficult. Chances are pretty good that your emotional reactions are being called “extra” when you are not in the room.
- Start a new journey, take up a new hobby, revive latent passion. Your kid is not the only one allowed to have an adventure. I tell my soon-to-be-empty-nester friends that they will need to fill out their lives with some new activities. It doesn’t have to be extreme, but it should be intentional. I started hiking with a group of friends, took a conversational Spanish class, and researched international hikes. The planning and prepping filled me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Not only did I experience a once-in-a-lifetime hike across Spain this summer, but I also got to show my kids that I have my own life filled with adventure.
- Embrace the new relationship. One of the best parts of having kids in college is the conversations we have about how their lives are going and how they are learning to make good decisions and weather additional transitions.
I am here to say that college is an exciting time for them, but it is also exciting for you. They get to practice all the things you taught them in the first 18 years (and they will mess them up, trust me), and you will be amazed at their intelligence, insight, and integrity. And you get some time to create new goals and develop new intentions for how you want to live your life.
